It’s hard to sort all of the things I want to do.

When I list them out, it becomes this long, never-ending pile of tasks I’ll never get to the bottom of. Different categories and buckets, and the time things take doesn’t match the time that I have a available for them. Then when I have free time, I don’t want to do anything on the list, because the entire list looks like work to me – no matter the task.

I’m trying something different this year; I’m trying to be more intentional with my time. Picking a block of time for the day, afternoon, week, month – and trying to match a goal or intention to that block of time. I’m hoping that I can use my Intention as a way of shaping my “vibes”, and start crossing things off of my own lists, rather than client lists or family lists.

…and then the PLANNING steps feel like work, and I avoid them.

I’m hoping to take on a partner in these quests – my son, haha. I feel like he and I match on the inside; our brains and emotions are very much the same. So, I’m hoping that by including him in this planning process, maybe he’ll get a head start on this problem. Although, it also adds an extra layer of work to everything; not only do I have to keep my life organized, but I have to do it within this new system, and I also have to do it well enough to teach it to someone else. My goal was personal accountability through partnering, but it feels like I’m trying to cram twice the Executive Function needs into one task.

And also, the WAYS I’m sorting the tasks is getting complicated.

My whole life is packed into Asana so I can manage all my projects. I have a calendar that tells me where I need to be and when. Reminders so I don’t lose track of time. I have 3 other calendars I use to block out my week, and to structure a place to allot my tasks. I have a dry-erase calendar that I’m trying to use to visualize my month – social events, goals, reminders. I write out short-form task lists (like everything I’m going to do before I leave for an outing) on post-it notes. I have a pad of paper I brain-dump onto when I’m forgetting something and can’t get it out, or anxious and can’t figure out why.

All these ways and places to record what I want so my silly human brain doesn’t forget them all…

…and then I see the list, become overwhelmed, and can’t pick a place to start.

And how could I? What’s more important; revising my business plan, so I can start to build a future – or cleaning the house and doing laundry and making breakfast, so my son has someplace warm and inviting to come home to? Should I spend an hour trying to make music to stimulate myself creatively – or spend more time getting a head-start on a website template I’ll be using for the next 3 months? Should I go for a walk and get some exercise – or take a bath and put on some guided meditations (probably by Rza, because he’s sweet..)?

“When everything is a priority, nothing is a priority”.

And yet, that doesn’t help taking things OFF of priority, and finally getting them scratched off the list. I’m trying to de-prioritize my list, to de-urgent-ify my list, and every attempt seems like a shallow attempt to remove responsibilities from my life. I don’t want less responsibility, I just want something, ANYTHING to be on autopilot, so I don’t have to manually control every single aspect of my life – right down to the half-caff coffee I drink and what clients I’m following up with vs letting wait-it-out.

Last month I went on an ADHD-med detox, after first being prescribed them 3 months prior. I kept telling people that it felt like I’d go to get something out of the “attic” of my brain, I’d reach for the attic door… and the knob was gone. Where the door was, the wall was bricked-over, and it was like I couldn’t even find the door. I’d just go to reach for that mental skill, and….. “Blue Screen Of Death”. I’m still medicated, but this week, something feels different – the “attic door” is still there. Now it feels like my “detox week” was that my “third eye” was suddenly missing. This week, it feels like it’s still there… it’s just gouged-out, and wearing an eye patch.

How can I have a future if I can’t even plan one?